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Topic
Cassandra posted
about 2 years ago
Losing a Parent
13 Comments in this Topic
Jen said
about 2 years ago
I agree Cass. It is very hard and is just one of those people in your life that can never be replaced. Your life will never be the same again. I believe that grief is always with us-it eases in time but bursts out at others. Your whole future is altered-Thoughts of your parent not being at important milestones such as Graduation, Your Wedding Day, When you have children-Then your children not having a grandparent. It just seems to go down the line. I found the hardest part of my journey has been seeing my Dad move on and push me away. To lose one Parent is hard but to lose both (even though one is not dead) is horrible!!! I have found in the last year that I need to choose my own family. Friends are the family we CHOOSE and we need to surround ourselves with the ones that we love and love us. What have other peoples experiences been like since their parent/sibling have died? How have things changed in your family?
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Cassandra said
about 2 years ago
It is very hard, but my family hasnt suffered as much as yours seemed too. We have become a lot closer, but then, it has only been 7 months, and its still really hard to believe that dad is gone. I think so far the hardest thing was him not being there when i graduated, and when i got accepted into Uni. He was so proud of me all the time, and people were always saying to me how proud he would have been of me, it makes me feel like yelling at them, because honestly it doesnt make me feel any better.I really hope it will get easier soon. -
Jen said
about 2 years ago
Yeh Cass. Im sure your graduation would have been so hard-especially when you got accepted into uni...I figure we are aware of these milestones we just have to have the right friends/family around us at these times when we need support. You know he would be proud-but having other people say that to you really doesn’t live up to if HE was saying it to you, if he was praising you for getting into uni and graduating...you want to hear it from HIM not other people. And that’s hard, because you will never hear that again. You just have to believe it in your heart. Everyone is at different stages of their bereavement. It does slowly ease-but it always remains with you.
My mums 3 year anniversary was a few months ago and I have found that at different milestones there are different ripples. Its like mums death was the initial splash and as the months and years go on different ripples come up. I have had a lot of ripples in my last three years. Everything can be going along smoothly and then BAM another ripple/hurdle to get over and through. Some ripples have include My Graduation from uni (I also finished first in my class-to get through mums death-that was in my 2nd year of uni and to finish on top is something i know my mum would have been SO proud of, but I wish she was here to share it) my dad dating another woman, my dad not including me in that and only introducing her to me properly 1 week before their ‘engagement’ party, my dad and her getting secretly married, her and her sons moving into our family home, being kicked out of home and more recently the sale of our family home, the involvement of solicitors and im currently going through the painful process of trying to negotiate with my dad about mums will. The most painful bit of this process is the way he has treated me and actively destroyed our relationship-he has pushed me away so much. I am happy to say though that my relationship with my younger brother has never been stronger, he is nearly 17. I feel guilty that he is still living there with dad but I know that its out of my control at present. At least we are stronger than ever and he knows he can rely on my for anything. Really not the normal 23 year old stuff but hey im getting there thanks to the amazing family i live with and my supportive friends.
I find that with Bereavement there (in my experience) is a large difference between if your mum or dad dies. In my experience I have found that men cant seem to handle being widowed and tend to move on a lot quicker than women. Again just in my experience and could be a generalisation...but I wonder why this is so?
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Cassandra said
about 2 years ago
I think it would probably be the fact that men often feel like they can't be emotional without seeming weak, so they get over it and pretend it doesnt exist or that it never happened and just move on, where as women are okay with waiting till they are ready to do something. I have found - from most people i know - most dads push their kids away, and most mothers pull them in close for support. i'm not an expert, but i really think it just comes down to 'a man is a man, and so he must act like one' kind of thing. 
Alf said
about 2 years ago
I think men and women do definitely handle things in different ways, but every individual handles it differently as well. Although it seems to be more likely, I’m sure not every male would push away their loved ones in this situation. As a guy I’m not sure exactly what the reason is. You could be right, maybe they want to uphold their image as a man. Or maybe they push things away that remind them of what they lost so it doesn’t hurt as much, whether or not that’s a conscious decision who knows.
What do you guys do for anniversaries and birthdays? I didnt do any reflecting/ special event to mark the occassions this year because life got too crazy busy and i guess most of my friends and family forgot the days were even approaching, but it was still in the back of my mind...
even after 4 years i still feel the need to talk about some stuff and i think maybe its time to start some traditions that i can do for myself on Mum's birthday/anniversary.
Got any ideas???
NWcontent said
almost 2 years ago
Check out the memories and rituals page for some suggestions -
http://nowwhat.org.au/info/grief-and-loss/memories-and-rituals
But would be good to hear what other things people do that might not be on the list...
stephano711 said
almost 2 years ago
I know on my mums anniversary i always do something that we used to enjoy doing together. My brother and Dad arent't big on doing things on the day but i always try to acknowledge it sometime. I sometimes include my friends in the stuff if its watching a movie or eating a certain kind of food.
Last year I watched the BBC Pride and Predjudice DVD she bought me for my 16th birthday. The DVD goes for 5 hours and she bought it for me cause we'd watched the video tapes so much that they stopped working :)
I think it's important to do something to acknowledge it if thats something you want to do.The only thing that worries me about this sort of thing is letting the bad parts of the day consume you. So just try and make sure you associate the tradition or anniversary with a positive memory :)- When my brother died my dad dealt with it very diffrently to my mum, he kept it in a lot more, but then it came out in other ways in his behavior that was quite destructive. Its been years now and my mum still gets sad on my brothers birthday and days like that. I have no idea how my dad feels on those days, or if he even notices. If he does he keeps it to himself.
- hmm its all really touchy hey because we cant tell other people how they should deal with the 'special days' or except them to want to do what we want. thanks for sharing your stires sarah and steph i think next time Mum's anniversary or birthday comes around i will do something special, even if it is just me. Mum was really into Robbie Williams so his older music DVD's don't go astray. Yeah positive memories are great and i think over time it gets easier to find those happy memories because they are more lasting than the sad/sick memories.
- It goes without saying that losing a parent at a young age is one of the most challenging things in life. It has been nearly 3 years and I still struggle with my Mum's death as if it was yesterday. However overtime I have learnt little 'secrets' and 'tips' on how to not always have my emotions on display for everyone to see and how to not get upset with little things like I used to. It annoys me a little when people tell me how strong I am for getting through this because it's not like I had a choice or a say in any of it. I've had to keep going on by myself without my Mum through high school. And then when I do fall down those same people tend to keep their distance and say 'I'm not coping' and 'that's not normal. We need to address this issue'. i know they are probably just concerned but sometimes it feels like everyone is judging and expecting me to always be ok for them and only get upset at certain times like birthdays and anniversaries. I miss my Mum so much and I would do anything for one of her warm hugs. Sometimes listening to her music, looking at her handwriting writing or holding her clothes can bring back the same memories as her hugs..but it's definitely not as strong. I have only just found this website and Canteen. They have been so helpful- it kind of makes it easier seeing that you are not the only person going through this. I wish I'd found these websites earlier
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