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NWcontent posted
about 2 years ago
To tell or not to tell?
A lot of people take ages to tell their friends and bf/gf's about having cancer. Maybe they just don't want to talk about it, or they're rightfully scared that the person will FREAK OUT and react in the completely wrong way.
"I can still hear the tone of his voice and how he trailed off quietly at the end as he said: I don't think I can see you without any hair"
Should you tell them? How soon? What's the best and worse reactions people have had when you told them?
"I can still hear the tone of his voice and how he trailed off quietly at the end as he said: I don't think I can see you without any hair"
Should you tell them? How soon? What's the best and worse reactions people have had when you told them?
7 Comments in this Topic
BiancaQLD said
about 2 years ago
Through my experience, I couldn't possibly imagine a person you're in a serious relationship with being anything but supportive. The question of when/ or how you would tell you're partner that you have been diagnosed didn't arise in my situation.
At the time I became sick, I was very close with someone and they were one of the few who had known I had been feeling unwell, coughing and struggling to breathe over the past few weeks; they were the person who encouraged me to see a doctor, who drove to the get my blood tests and came in with me for my first ever cat scan, and they were the one person with whom I asked to come back to the doctors office when I was asked to return to hear the results of the tests and to bring along someone with whom would comfort me.
If anything, I think it is almost solely on the partners shoulders to deal with the load of informing everyone else and being the bearer of the bad news when we're too sick to make the phone calls, and can't get our head quite around saying the word 'cancer' just yet.
Looking back, I can see and appreciate the burden placed on our partners when we're diagnosed as young adults. They're forced to grow up almost as quickly as we the patient are, and yet they're not always given the liberty to whinge and complain and say 'why me', as we are. Regardless of where our future relationships take us, I will always be grateful and have that special bond that I won't share with anyone else, and that others will no doubt struggle to understand.
Bondy said
about 2 years ago
you will always have another 'special Bond' in your life B-
BiancaQLD said
about 2 years ago
Haha, classic. Thanks for the laughs Bondy! -
NWcontent said
almost 2 years ago
Quote: They're forced to grow up almost as quickly as we the patient are, and yet they're not always given the liberty to whinge and complain and say 'why me', as we are.
So true. There's a blog called My Boyfriend has Cancer and the girl who writes it says things make you totally sympathise with how hard it is for her (eg."Part of me just wants to run away....I didn't sign up for this and it feels overwhelming, Another part is filled with compassion and wants to help.) but then she also does things that are so hard to agree with, like sleeping with another (married) guy.
Maybe she needs the other guy to support her so that she can support her boyfriend who is sick. 
stephano711 said
almost 2 years ago
On another angle just to contribute... As a person who has lost a family member to cancer, I find it really hard to figure out the right time to tell prospective partners that my mum died from cancer.
You either think that people will freak cause you have 'baggage' or they just don't really want to deal with it. Even though I know I dont have baggage and it doesnt impact on my daily life.
Has anyone else had this problem?- Should you tell? Yes and immediately. It allows your partner to make a choice....fight or flight. Waiting to tell will only increase the severity of the blow. Either way life is going to dramatically change whether you wait or not.
As for telling partners about having lost someone to cancer, well i always think it's the other dreaded C word. Some people deal with it sympathetically and others simply don't know what to say or worse, from that moment on, they'll refuse to mention their mothers. It's not just death you are dealing with, it's the fact that they died from Cancer. There is some weird stigma attached to it, almost like HIV/Aids.
In my experience, most people tend to be kind, without the annoying platitudes of comfort. Baggage is fine, as long as it does not weigh you down. It certainly has weighed me down, so for that reason, I have stayed clear of relationships. I need to wait till I'm fully healed. I agree with your last sentence Liefie in that you need to wait until your fully healed. It is not easy to commit to a relationship until you really feel ready.. I know for myself I am still in my cancer bubble of feeling a little self centred - because I want to look after myself completely for a while and think about my own future. I shared my cancer journey with many people but I still feel like it was my struggle and now I want it to be my healing process... I also feel a need for freedom to make my choices and mistakes without them impacting on anyone else. does that make sense to anyone?
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