When someone you love dies, you are “bereaved”. The mixture of thoughts and feelings you have as you deal with your parent’s death is called “grief”. The way you display your grief is called “mourning”.

This will be different according to your culture, religion, family traditions, as well as your personality. Whatever you feel when someone dies is normal. Grief shows itself in different people in different ways. This can include things like:  

• Crying (or not crying – it doesn’t mean you don’t care if you don’t cry)
• Wanting to be alone
• Sleeping a lot, or not much at all
• Finding it hard to concentrate, being forgetful
• Your body hurts – your head, stomach, your throat all ache
• Lack of interest in usual activities
• Wanting to party or keep really busy
• Wanting to move away from where you live
• Talking to the person who died
• Doing activities that remind you of them
• Throwing things out
• Avoiding talking about what’s happened  

There are lots of other grief reactions you might have. Whatever reactions you experience, they are normal for you. Everyone experiences grief differently. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Grief has a mind of its own

It doesn’t follow a pattern and you can’t predict how long it will take.

It might feel like it comes and goes in waves. You will have some good days, then you might be knocked over by a wave of feeling so strong you don’t know which way is up. This can happen at times like birthdays or anniversaries. Or when you least expect it, like when you hear a song on the radio, or are reminded of the last movie you watched with your Mum or Dad, or someone rings up and asks to speak to them on the phone.

Be kind to yourself and others

You will need to have a lot of patience for yourself and the people around you – particularly if you show your grief in different ways.

It’s OK to deal with it at your own pace. Don’t listen to people who tell you to “move on” or “get over it”. You will always feel connected to your parent, even when they are not there.

When things get really crazy, you may be tempted to let vent your feelings in ways that can harm yourself or other people. Beware of signs that you are not coping with your grief, such as using drugs and alcohol or taking it out on others with violence.

As much as you can, it helps to maintain a routine. It also helps if you keep your body as healthy as possible with good food, drinking enough water and getting enough sleep and exercise.

Tips to help you get through grief

• Take one day at a time. Don’t worry about tomorrow.
• Remember that everyone will act differently – there’s no right or wrong way.
• Find someone you can trust and share your feelings.
• Try to be active and exercise.
• Listen to music that suits your mood. Sad music won’t necessarily make you feel worse, it can actually make you feel less alone, it can be comforting to know that other people have felt as sad as you before.
• Hold onto hope. You might find hope and comfort from people who have experienced a similar loss. Learning about some of the things that helped them and realising that with time, things do get easier can help to give you hope.
• It can be really helpful to talk to a bereavement counsellor because they are used to being around people who are grieving like you and they really understand what you are going through. You may be able to find one through your parent’s palliative care team.

Some thoughts to carry with you

You will always have memories

Do not be afraid that you will forget your parent. It will not be possible to forget them, even if you wanted to. They will always be a part of your life. You don’t need to feel guilty if you go for 20 minutes without thinking about them, or if you catch yourself laughing or having fun with your friends.

The pain will get less with time

At first you may wonder if you will ever feel happy again. Time has a way of healing. As much as it feels the world is going to end, you will get through this.

It’s OK to make mistakes

No one is perfect in these situations. There is no point dwelling on the things you wished you could have done differently or punishing yourself for not handling things better.

Your parent would want you to be happy

Stay open to new experiences. It’s OK to make some changes in your life and spend time with new people. Your life won’t be the same as it was before, but it will be rich and full.

You cannot change what will happen/has happened, accepting it and living your life to the fullest is all you can do. Life is too short!

It’s OK to take some positives away from this

This experience will change your life. Some young people like to look at the meaning and impact it has had on their life. You may realise more about what your family means to you or be proud of the strength you showed in getting through this.

You may feel motivated to achieve certain goals, or to appreciate life more. But there’s no need to search for deeper meaning or think about what lessons you have learned if you don’t want to.

It’s perfectly OK to think the whole thing sucks. It’s also OK to come out the other end of this being the same, faults and all.