What your family looks like, how things are organised, who does what and all sorts of other big and small things will change.

Some of these may have already changed when your parent or brother or sister was diagnosed with cancer. Now many of those changes will become permanent.

Your new position

• If your brother or sister has died you may become an only child or you may become the eldest or the youngest in the family. Fitting into that new position may take time – and for some of you it will never feel right.
• You could become a single parent family after the death of your mum or dad. This can mean some really big changes in things like your family’s financial situation, a parent going back to work, who does what at home and even where you live.
• If you didn’t live full-time with the parent who died then your day-to-day life may not change as much. This may make it a little easier, but it can also mean that it takes longer for it to sink in.
• You may have come from a one parent family and now have to go and live with other relatives or friends of your parent. This could also bring huge changes such as new school, new house and new people to live with.

Adjusting to all these things will be hard and take time. Not only are you adjusting to life without your parent, there is a whole new world that you have to get used to.

Family advice

You may at some point wonder who to talk to about things that you would have shared with the parent or brother or sister who has died.

Things like:

• Fashion advice
• Shaving, periods and body stuff
• Relationships and sex
• Drinking and smoking
• Plans for the future

This may be particularly hard if you now find yourself being the only male or only female in the house.

Other people can step into those roles and it is possible to navigate those changes – with time.

Taking on new roles

You and other family members might have to take on new roles, particularly if it is your parent who has died. For some of you this will mean that you have to grow up really quickly and take on ‘adult’ roles.

• Trying to keep things exactly the same can put you all under a huge amount of pressure – and isn’t really possible.
• Things will get done a little differently – your favourite meal doesn’t taste quite the same, the house may be a little less tidy...
• If you are now responsible for these things, go easy on yourself – if your siblings are, go easy on them.
• Go easy on your parents too, they are also doing the best they can.

You may have had a chance to learn some things before your mum or dad died, which could make the changes a little easier. If you didn’t get the chance, don’t be afraid of making mistakes.

Remember: Getting support is important. Asking for help is okay.

This isn't fair

It is okay to get angry about the changes that you've had to make.

• You may feel like your normal life has been stolen from you.
• This isn’t fair and definitely not what you asked for.
• This reaction is perfectly okay. Most of us are happy with routines in our lives and don’t like too many changes, especially when those changes feel out of control and life is not how you want it to be.

Again, while time doesn’t fix your grief, over time you will adjust to the changes and adapt to doing things differently.