While time doesn’t ‘fix’ grief, it does help with learning to live with it and with negotiating changes in relationships.

Parents: not all relationships were good

Relationships with parents are as different as we are. Some are very close, loving and supportive while others may be more difficult.

If your relationship with your parent who has died was not close this does not mean that you aren’t able to grieve. However the death of that parent may cause you to have lots of mixed up reactions.

Your memories might be painful, and you might experience pressure to feel a certain way that you actually don’t. What you might feel includes:

• anger or regret that you didn’t get to spend more time with them or have a better relationship with them.
• wishing that things had been different between you.
• guilt or conflict about having these feelings.
• or you may have been exceptionally close with your parent and now feel like no one and nothing can fill the void that is left.
• all of the above – and more.

Filling the void

It might seem that other family members (or even friends) are trying to replace that connection. This may make you angry – no one can replace your mum or dad or brother or sister.

What they are really trying to do is make sure that you have support when you need it. If you can, let them know when they have over-stepped the mark. Just wait a bit, don’t do it immediately after they have done something that bothered you.

Your sibling's grief is different

You might be completely blown away by how differently your brothers and sisters deal with your parent’s or other sibling's death. How can two people who have had the same person die react in such different ways?

Your relationship with your parent is unique and therefore how you grieve will also be unique. This can sometimes cause conflict between you and your sibling.

It is really important to respect each other and allow each other to do whatever helps to deal with the grief. But if you think their behaviour might cause them or anyone else harm, you need to let someone you trust know.

Remember: You can’t make someone else think, feel or behave in the way you want.

Remembering the good, the bad and the ugly

If your parents were separated or divorced there may be lots of stuff that has gone on. This might have affected your relationship with them.

No one is perfect – we all have our good points and bad points and this is true even for people who have died. It’s okay to remember the person as they really were – the good, the bad and the ugly.

You might feel like it’s wrong to say negative things about a person who has died. Just remember that your relationship with the person doesn’t end when they die, it just changes. Having less-than-perfect thoughts is okay.

Sibling rivalry

If your brother or sister has died you may find that people talk about them in really glowing terms. All their annoying and painful habits, and all the times they screwed up, somehow get forgotten. You might feel like you can never live up to them or they are now considered the ‘perfect child’.

If this is true for you then find someone you can share these thoughts with. Keeping them inside can end up causing you pain and increasing the risk of getting into stuff that can hurt you physically and emotionally.

Blended families

If it is a step-parent or your mum or dad’s partner who has died, you may also have some confusing emotions.

A lot will depend on what your relationship was like with them. It’s not uncommon for there to be conflict between different family members who are grieving. Each of you will be affected differently.

It’s the same for step brothers and sisters who are part of the family. Being open and honest and respecting everyone’s feelings will help you all.

Remember: Whatever you are feeling, it is okay.