They also have unspoken “rules” for what things are OK to talk about and for how family members “should” feel and think about things. Add a stress like cancer to the mix and things can get tipped upside and stirred around a bit - for better, for worse, or a bit of both. Some of these things might start to sound familiar.

There’s not much of a routine anymore

Some families are drawn together in a crisis. But in other families, communication gets tricky, responsibilities change and things can get a bit rocky and unstable. With everyone dealing with stuff in their own way, you might not feel like much of a family unit right now.

There might be a crowd of visitors around wanting to help. It might have been a while since your life has felt ‘normal’. It can help to put some structure into your world. Try to keep doing your normal activities as much as you can.  

You have to take on more responsibilities

Your parents or sibling might think that you are really strong and independent and dealing with it all really well. They might start leaning on you a bit, expecting you to do more around the house, or become babysitter extraordinaire. Most of the time, you probably just get on with it. But it’s OK to take some time to chill out and get away from it all sometimes.

Your parents are acting weird

When parents are overwhelmed, they might find it hard to get the balance right. Sometimes they are overprotective; sometimes it seems they’re not interested in you at all. As you know, your parents are really busy and distracted and they may not realise if you’re feeling hurt, lonely or smothered.

It’s OK to tell your parents that you still need things from them and ask if you can make a time to talk. If it’s really hard to bring up difficult topics with your parents, try writing a letter/email or text.

Your relationship with your sibling who has cancer changes

Just because your brother or sister is sick doesn’t mean that all of a sudden your relationship will be perfect. It’s likely that they will still make you cranky and annoyed sometimes, if they did before.

You might be drawn closer together as you share what is happening. Or you may find that you prefer to stay away and carry on with your normal things. This is OK, there’s no right way.

It’s very common to feel anger or resentment towards your sibling when they are sick; for taking away the normality of your family life and having the entire focus on them all the time. A lot of people feel guilty for having thoughts like this. But these feelings are normal.

If you find you are struggling a bit with how you feel, tell someone about it. It can really help to get it all off your chest.

Try not to put pressure on yourself to “be” or “feel” a certain way about your sibling and about the whole situation. You have to look after yourself, too, and think about what you really want or need - whether this is spending lots of time with your sibling, or spending lots of time doing the stuff you normally do.

Nothing changes

Every family is unique. Don’t panic if none of these things - or completely different things - happen in your family.

If things are getting stuck…tips for families

• Try to keep the routine as normal as possible.
• Keep talking about everyday stuff as much as you can.
• Do fun things together sometimes. Having a TV show you always watch together is a nice way to stay close as a family.
• Talk to someone outside the family. Some families like to keep their problems secret. But opening up to someone outside the situation can help you to see things in another light.
• Get away from it all sometimes. There’s nothing selfish at all about needing your own life.