The grief can strike unexpectedly, like when someone calls to speak to your sibling on the phone. Or when you accidently set one too many places at the table. Or when their favourite song comes on the radio.

What is normal grief like?

Your grief is your own. Whatever you experience is normal. It could show itself in you in really strong emotions or by feeling no emotion at all. You might have physical reactions, like not sleeping or having stomach aches. You might feel like going out all the time and partying, or hiding in your room and not going out at all. You might cry, or you might not.

Everyone will react differently. The people around you might be showing their grief in different ways.

How long will it last?

It takes as long as it takes. That may not sound very helpful, but it’s true. Grief is a really important part of adjusting to a huge loss. You don’t have to move on straight away. You just have to ride with it and let it run its course. Yes, it sucks. But most people find that over time, things do get easier.

Permission to backslide

Feelings will come and go, they are like waves. You could think about grief sort of like a game of snakes-and-ladders. Some days you’ll go one step forward and feel a bit better. Other days, something will trigger the painful feelings and it’s like you’re back at square one.

Over time, there will be more good days than bad days. You just have to be really, really patient with yourself and remind yourself that things won’t feel this hard forever.  

The grief of your family

Some families who lose someone want to continue family traditions and keep things the same. Some families want to start new ones, move out of your home and change things. The tricky part comes when different people in the family want different things.

With everyone dealing with grief in individual ways, it’s not uncommon for people to say or do careless things, for people to get snappy and feelings to get hurt.

This can be super hard to deal with, especially if your parents are not there for you at the moment in the way you need them to be. But eventually, like the feelings inside you, things in your family will settle down into a new pattern.

Some real stories…

“My parents are divorced and had held it together in “the crisis”, but following Peter’s death they couldn’t be near each other without yelling. There was a lot of blame…I had to move back in with Mum because she wasn’t coping with his death. I was mad that I had to take care of her, when no one was taking care of me.” Jane

“My whole family changed. My father moved away after Shayne died as he said that the town just had too many memories of my brother. My mother really has never been the same but she is coping at least a little more these days.” Amanda  

“The arguments became much more frequent and way more emotional in the months after his death. None of us knew how to deal with our grief, so unfortunately we often took it out on each other. Family relations did improve gradually and are now the best they've been in years.” Ben

Your rights

No matter what anyone else says or does, you have the right to:  

• Grieve in your own way, for as long as it takes.
• Talk – or NOT talk - about your thoughts and feelings.
• Be involved in memorials and rituals about your sibling’s death.
• Know the truth about your sibling’s illness and death.
• Keep things and photos that remind you of your brother or sister.
• Talk about your sibling and use their name.
• Ignore people who say insensitive things.
• Have your own personal beliefs about life and death.
• Remember your sibling as they really were, faults and all. Just because they died doesn’t make them a saint.
• Be helped, supported and cared for.
• Have your own life.