Even if they have been sick for a while, nothing can fully prepare you for this ride on the emotional rollercoaster. Your feelings might overwhelm you suddenly when you least expect it, or they might be a constant nagging weight that never seem to go away.

The truth is, there’s no right way or wrong way to feel. Feelings will come and go and you will have good days and bad days. This is not going to be easy. But it might provide some comfort to know that whatever you’re feeling right now, it has a name - and it’s normal.

Here are some things that other young people have described…

Shock/Disbelief

This is when you can’t believe that this is really happening. It doesn’t feel real, like you’re stuck in a dream (nightmare is a better word!).

Denial

Sometimes it might feel easiest to pretend that everything’s normal. It is a really hard thing to accept that your parent is not going to be around forever.

Empty/Numb

There may be times when you just feel nothing. This doesn’t mean that you don’t care – it might just be your way of protecting yourself.

Guilt

It’s common to get the guilts big time when your parent has cancer. You might feel guilty that you’re not helping enough, or for complaining about the extra work you have to do. You might feel guilty that that you are still going out and having fun with your friends.

You might feel like you should be crying more, or be thinking about all of the fights and nasty things you’ve said or thought about your parent. You feel guilty for misbehaving, or even for wishing that all of this would just hurry up and be over…. But it’s normal to feel guilty. All of these are normal reactions to painful feelings. Remember that it’s not your fault that any of this is happening.

Regret

Try to avoid the ‘coulda, woulda, shouldas’ – it’s hard to dwell on the things that you could have done differently. Instead, try letting yourself off the hook. You can’t change the past.

Fear

No matter how brave or grown up you are, thinking about life without your parent is scary stuff! You may be afraid of the unknown, of being alone, or worried about what will happen to you. You might be afraid of your parent getting sicker or that they will be in pain. Admitting you’re afraid is usually the first step towards dealing with it. The next step is finding someone to tell how frightened you are. 

Anger

What is happening is so unfair and you have a right to be mad! Anger is a normal reaction to situations out of our control but sometimes we can direct anger at the people we are closest to, or it can build up and release itself in harmful ways. Try to find positive ways to release your rage. There are some ideas on page X. 

Jealousy

You might feel jealous that your friends can still go out and have fun, or that they have healthy parents and “normal” lives. You might also feel jealous of your sick parent, who may be getting all of everyone’s attention while you are left to look after yourself.

Sad

Thinking about your future without your Mum or Dad in it can be desperately, heartbreakingly sad. It may be hard to imagine right now, but sadness will come and go and things will not always feel so hard.

Withdrawal

There may be times when you feel really down and just want to be left on your own.

Lonely

Even if you are surrounded by people, you might feel like no one really gets it - not even your brothers and sisters or closest friends. Or you might feel a bit abandoned and left out of what is happening because your parents are always stressed and focusing on other things. 

Worried

You may be stressed about heaps of stuff! What will happen to me? Will I get cancer? Will my parent be in pain? Do we have enough money? What about school? Getting answers to your questions and knowing what to expect can really help – so it helps to let people know what you’re anxious about.

Embarrassed

Having a parent who is really sick can make you feel different and that can be hard to handle. At times you might just wish things were “normal”.

Confused about your identity – You might start to feel like your identity is defined by cancer and that everyone just knows you as “the girl/guy whose parent has cancer”. It’s OK to want a bit more independence, but it can be hard to find a balance. Sometimes you might feel all grown up – taking on heaps of responsibility and dealing with big serious issues. But other times you might wish you could be protected like a little kid again.

Hope

You might think (or people might be telling you) that you should “think positively”. It can help to be optimistic, but you are not expected to feel happy and hopeful all the time. You might need to redefine what hope means. It’s even OK to hope that all of this will soon be over.

Remember – However you feel, many other young people in your situation have felt the same way.