You can just picture it: a massive jumbo plonked there in the living room while you’re trying to watch to TV. Um…anyone going to say something about this? Anyone?? Cancer can be a bit like that.

Families often try to protect each other by not talking about the really hard and hurtful stuff. Your family might not want to tell you everything about your sibling’s cancer because they don’t want you to stress. Or they may not have the answers either. You might be feeling very confused or frustrated that, as the sibling, you might be the last one to get the memo.

Ask as many questions as you want

If you want to understand more about what is going on or have more say in decisions being made, say so. Even if you are young you have a right to know what is happening in your family. (There are some tips on how to talk to people and get the help and information you need in the “Handy Stuff” section at the back of this book)  

It’s never too early or late to start asking questions. There is no question too trivial or too upsetting that it shouldn’t be asked. Spend some time thinking about your most important questions. Write them down so you don’t forget.

Some tips on getting straight answers:  

• Ask the same question a thousand times if you don’t get it the first time.
• If someone tells you they will have to find out the answer, bug them until they get back to you.
• If someone says they don’t know, ask how else you can find out.
• Ask people to use simple words.
• Ask people not to sugar coat things.

Who’s the right person to ask?

Parents

Some families hold family meetings and keep everyone updated and involved. But not all families are good at having conversations like this. If your family didn’t talk openly much before cancer, they probably won’t become great sharers now, especially when everyone is so stressed and tired.

If your parents are really not willing or able to talk, make sure you ask someone else.

Your sibling

It is often the patient who knows best about what is happening to them. If you are close to your sibling, you might find comfort in talking directly with them.  

Doctors, nurses and the palliative care team

Spending time at the hospital can help you to feel more in the loop. You may not think that hospital is a particularly nice place to hang out. But you’re welcome to be there, and you may find it’s actually not that scary. You could ask to go to appointments with your sibling. Or just strike up a chat with the random nurse that comes to visit at 3:00 in the morning. You can ask them about all kinds of stuff that’s bothering you, not just medical questions.

If you want to know more about cancer, treatments and other medical stuff, you can also speak to a cancer nurse on the Cancer Council Helpline (call 13 11 20). This might help if your sibling is being treated far from home and you can’t get to the hospital.

Social workers or counsellors

Social workers and counsellors can talk you through things that you are worried about, show you how to find more information and can help you figure out how to speak to your family about what is happening.

People at school

There may be a teacher, school counsellor or nurse who can answer some of your questions – medical or emotional. The librarian might also be able to help you find information in books, magazines, videos or online.

Beware of ‘Doctor Google’

We all know how wonderful, but also weird and huge the internet is. Here are some tips to make sure your Googling is successful.

• Make sure you’re searching the right stuff. There are over 100 different types of cancer. The likely outcomes are different for every cancer and different for every single person.  
• Don’t believe everything you read. Print stuff out and check it with a doctor.
• Check the source of the information. A lot of stuff on the internet is out-of-date, wrong, or just trying to sell you something.  
• Use websites you can trust. 

Remember: Google is not a doctor. No website can tell you how long your sibling will live.

Information overload!

Give yourself a break. It’s hard to take in new information when you’re stressed. It can be easier to deal with little bits of info at a time rather than all at once. Wait for it to sink in before you go back for more.