• It’s quite a shock.

• When someone you love dies your life is changed forever. Understanding those changes, getting used to them and adjusting to them can take a really long time.

Every family is different

• Some of you may have known for a long time that that they were going to die and some of you may have only found out in the last weeks or days.

• The grief that follows the death of a parent, brother or sister can be huge.

• From the littlest thing like one less toothbrush in the bathroom, to the really big things, like comforting your parent or having to step into their role for younger siblings, death messes with your life in a major way.

Safe ways to deal with grief

Grief can cause some incredibly strong feelings that can make you feel out of control.

Finding safe ways to release these will help and may prevent you from doing harm to yourself.

• Punch a pillow – use your hands, a stick or anything else you can find. Smashing ice block outside is good too.

• Go for a run, walk or some other type of exercise.

• Watch a sad movie – a good excuse for a cry.

• Find a private space and SCREAM at the top of your lungs.

• Listen to music.

• Write it down. Some people find writing stuff and then tearing it up and throwing it away helpful.

• Recognise when it is getting too hard and take some time out.

• Talk to someone.

• Call a Help Line. Go to Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 or LifeLine 13 11 14 to keep yourself safe.

• Take the dog for a walk.

• Treat yourself. Eat chocolate, take a bath or do something else that you enjoy.

Unhealthy ways to deal with grief

There are other ways that you can try to cope that aren’t exactly healthy or helpful.

Don’t let the fear of people judging you stop you from asking for help.

When it seems like you don’t have control over things anymore, you might start to do things that you do have control over, like stopping eating or driving really fast.

• No-one will judge you if you are doing any of these things.

• Staying safe and healthy is more important.

• Find someone you can trust to share what is happening.

Taking risks is part of being a young person, but when you are grieving your judgement about what is a safe risk may not be so good. If you are into any of the following, you may be at risk of doing yourself some long-term damage:

Drugs and alcohol

• You may start using drugs and/or alcohol to cover up the pain or to try to make it go away. Or you may simply use them to wipe out or escape from what is happening to you.

Without the lecture, this is only ever going to be a short-term fix. As tempting as it may be for you to use this as a coping strategy, it will not help you in the long term and can actually do you harm.

Hurting others

• Feeling angry when someone you love has died is okay. Anger sometimes covers up all the other emotions going on underneath. But if you don’t have a safe place to express yourself you may turn your anger on others.

Anger is a natural emotion but violence, physical or verbal, towards others is never an okay way to deal with it. There are better ways to express your anger that don’t involve hurting others.

Deliberate self harm

• This is when you deliberately harm yourself, usually in secret. This can involve cutting, burning, pulling out your hair, scratching yourself or picking at sores on your skin. Often it is used to cope with difficult or painful feelings. It’s also a way of trying to tell people that you need some support or feel out of control.

Deliberate self harm can give you an instant sense of relief but it is only a temporary solution. You can be left with permanent scars and ongoing issues with your mental health.

Having sex

• For some of you having sex can help make you feel loved and close to someone. When you are grieving you may feel the need for this more and either start having sex before you are really ready or hook up with more people than you would have before. If you are already having sex then the number of partners you have may increase.

While there is nothing wrong with having sex, doing it before you are ready and doing it with more than one person can put you at risk both emotionally and physically.

Remember:  Always practice safe sex

Suicidal thoughts

• Dealing with the death of someone you love is very painful. Sometime it is hard to imagine living without that person in your life and this may lead to thoughts about harming yourself. This is not uncommon for people who are grieving.

If you are having thoughts about suicide it is important to tell someone so that you can get help. Go to Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 or LifeLine 13 11 14 to keep yourself safe.

Remember: It really hurts when someone you love dies, but hurting yourself won’t make it stop.