It might seem that you are doing just fine. It might not be obvious how you’re feeling behind that brave face – even to yourself.  

There is no right or wrong way to feel when your brother or sister has cancer that can’t be cured. Your feelings might rise up and strike suddenly like an electric shock. They might also be a constant nagging weight that you carry around with you all the time. Or you might not feel anything at all.

Some things other siblings have described:

• Shock and disbelief
• Numb or empty
• Angry
• Guilty
• Confused
• Annoyed
• Jealous
• Left-out or ignored
• Selfish
• Sad
• Helpless
• Hurt
• Lonely
• Regret
• Heartbroken
• Uncomfortable
• Worried
• Embarrassed
• Ripped-off
• Scared
• Withdrawn (Like you just want to be alone)
• Ashamed
• Weak
• Nasty
• Panicky
• Crazy
• Over it
• Hopeful
• Calm
• Relieved
• Lucky
• Appreciated
• Proud
• Thankful

However you are feeling right now, chances are, there is someone else out there that has felt the same thing.  

Top tips from those who have been there done that:

• It’s not your fault your sibling is sick. No one can give someone else cancer.
• Feel what you need to feel. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to scream, scream.
• You can’t control what will happen. Try to focus on the present and take every day as it comes.
• It’s not your responsibility to be perfect all the time. You can’t make up for what your sibling can’t do.
• Avoid the ‘coulda, woulda, shouldas’. It doesn’t help to dwell on the things you could have done differently.

There ARE people out there who understand what you’re going through.

Grief and loss

Some of what you are feeling might be grief. Grief isn’t just about death. Grief is actually the reaction we have in response to the loss of anything that is really important to us.

You have probably already experienced lots of different losses since your sibling was diagnosed: loss of your old routine, loss of some friends, loss of your plans for the future.

Any of these losses can be really upsetting and leave you feeling like your world has changed forever. You can also feel grief when you know you are about to lose something important - before it happens. This is called “anticipatory grief” and often happens when someone you love is expected to die.

Waiting for the death to happen – and knowing you are helpless to stop it – can be just as painful and hard to deal with as the death itself. It can be really confusing, with heaps of mixed feelings and you might not be sure how you’re supposed to act.

Grieving about what is happening does not mean that you have given up on your sibling. Grief is the way we get used to a new reality and the changes it will bring. Grief is a natural part of life. But it can feel so difficult and scary. As much as it may not feel like it now, things will eventually settle down. Grief usually lessens over time.

Top tip: It’s important to let yourself grieve. If you push it away, it can get stored up until years or even decades later.