It is different for everyone and can depend on a number of things, including:

• What is your relationship with the person who has died?

• What else is happening in your life?

• Have you had someone else close to you die?

• Do you have people who can support you?

• What are your religious or spiritual beliefs about death and dying?

What may come as a bit of a shock is how long it actually takes. You might expect to get back to ‘normal’ in a few months and then get frustrated when that doesn’t happen. Other people may also expect you to get back to normal and this can put extra pressure on you.

You may have no idea what ‘normal’ looks like or feels like now that your parent or brother or sister has died. This is okay.

Will it get better?

• Over time things will start to feel better and you will feel like you are on top of things again. You may even get a surprise when you suddenly realise that you don’t think about the person you have lost all the time and that things don’t upset you as much any more.

• You will still have moments of sadness but they won’t last as long or throw you as much.

Will I ever get over this?

In short, no. 

Does this mean I will feel like this for ever?  No, probably not.

In the past, people talked about ‘getting over’ the death of someone and used terms like ‘moving on’, ‘moving forward’ or ‘putting it behind you’.

Those ideas have changed and it is now accepted that you never really get over the death of someone you love, but you do learn to live with it and it becomes a part of who you are.

Think of it like a deep cut

• When it first happens it hurts the most, it is really raw and you are aware of it all the time. At some point (this can be weeks, months or years) it starts to heal, it hurts less and you sometimes forget that it is there. But then you bump it, or something touches it and it opens up or and starts to hurt again.

• As time goes on the cut heals permanently, but the scar is still obvious and whenever you look at it, you are reminded of it. After a while, the scar just becomes part of you but then there are times that you will look at it and remember how it happened and how much pain it caused.

Remember:  Learning to live with your grief takes time.

Caught between two worlds

One of the many weird things about grief is that it is a very public thing – you can’t hide the fact that someone has died – yet the feelings that you have are very personal.

Some young people describe it as living in two worlds:

• the outside world where you have to appear normal and do normal things

• your private world where you can let it all out and do things that help you with your grieving.

Moving between these two worlds can be really difficult. Having expectations (your own and other people’s) about how you should be behaving makes it extra tough. This can cause you to hide how you are really feeling, or do things to temporarily forget how you are feeling.

Private grief

• You could be grieving on the inside and no-one else knows because you hide it from the outside world. Parents, friends, partners and other people in your life might think you are okay. This can be difficult for you when they don’t understand why you are not “being yourself”.

• Let them know, somehow, that the death of your brother or sister or parent is having a huge impact on you but you just don’t want to show it or share it.

Remember: Everyone grieves in their own way. As long as you are not harming yourself or anyone else, it doesn’t matter what you do if it helps you with your grief.