When someone isn’t physically around it can be hard to remember their voice, their laugh, they way they looked or their smell.

Finding ways to remember can help you.

Some of you may have had the chance to talk about this before your mum or dad died and even made things (like a video) that will help you to remember them.

If you didn’t get that chance before, you can still do it. There are some other ways you can remember them.

Memory box

You can buy or make a box to put special things in that belonged to them or that have a special meaning for you. These can include photos, cards, pieces of clothing or any other stuff that will help you keep that connection.

Online memorial

There are a number of websites that allow you to create an online memorial. You can post photos, write tributes and/or write about their life. It can be updated and may be especially helpful on anniversaries and other special dates. The Living Years is one such website, and is free for 12 months for Now What members.

There's also a tribute page in the forums on this website where you can post something.

Journal

Keep a journal of your grieving process. This can be really helpful in dealing with all the feelings and the pain that you have. It is also a good way to remember your mum or dad.

Reading back over it is another way to keep the connection. It doesn’t just have to be words – it can be drawings or you can stick pictures, articles or quotes in – whatever works for you.

Photos

Apart from pictures of your mum or dad, photos of bedrooms or any other rooms or places in and around the house can help you remember what you did and what it looked like when they were around. This may be really helpful if you have to move or there are big changes in your home, for example your other parent has a new partner move in.

Smells

Smell is one of the most powerful memory triggers. Your parent may have had a favourite perfume, deodorant or aftershave that they used. You may want to use it or just keep a bottle of it so that the familiar smell stays with you.

Voice messages

Hearing their voice can really help retain a memory of them. You may want to download voice messages left on your mobile phone or even keep their mobile phone so that you can listen to their voice. You can do the same with an answering machine on a landline.

Clothes and other accessories

Wearing clothes, accessories or using things like bags or scarves that belonged to them is perfectly okay. Some of you may do this privately – like sleep in their pyjamas or use a pillow that was theirs. Again, this is fine and really normal.

Making something from their clothes

There may be items of clothing that you want to keep but not necessarily wear and you are not sure what to do with them. Making a quilt, a cushion or some other ‘comforting’ item is a way to find a use for them.

Food

Cooking and eating certain foods will trigger memories. Learning to cook those dishes so that there is a familiar smell can also help you keep memories alive.

Remember: Don’t let other people’s opinions stop you from doing things that will help you maintain a connection with the person who has died.

Is it too weird?

• You are not weird or a freak – you are just grieving.
• There is also no time limit on when you should stop doing any of these things.
• Sometimes the relationship you are remembering was a difficult one, with conflict, anger and hurt. In this case, the memories you have may be more painful than comforting.
• It is still possible to find ways to have a connection with your mum or dad and sort through those conflicting emotions.

Remember:  As long as it is safe for you and others, whatever you do is okay.

Sharing Things

Below is a tear off tip you can download and print to use to help you share things with your parent who has died.