Some friends are great at being there for you and holding you up when your feelings come and hit you like a bus.

But sometimes, friends don’t really know how to handle what is going on. They might stop calling you or inviting you out and it can feel like they’re not there for you when you need them.

A lot of friends don’t really understand the whole cancer thing and don’t know what it’s like to have a parent who is sick or dying. But even when you know this, you might feel really hurt and let down when your friends aren’t very supportive.

You might also find that you have less in common with your friends now. You are going through some massive changes in your life and you might find you are not as interested in what your friends talk about anymore.

You might feel a bit jealous that your friends still have “normal” lives and think they sound a bit trivial and ungrateful sometimes.

But if your friends are staying away, it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t care. They might be trying to avoid upsetting you.

Here are some things to think about…

• Friends might be worried about saying the wrong thing, so they say nothing.
• They don’t know if it’s OK to mention cancer or your parent. You might have to start the ball rolling.
• They are worried about imposing on your family time so are shy to call or visit.
• They think their lives are boring and unimportant compared to yours and don’t know if they should talk about normal things.
• This is new territory for your friends. Before you had this experience you might have acted the same way.
• They won’t say things that deliberately upset you. Sometimes they might say things that annoy you or make you angry. But try not to be offended, they just don’t understand.

• Friends may change. You might find that you lose some friendship along the way as you and your friends start to have different perspectives on life. But this may have happened anyway, cancer or no cancer. 

 Staying in touch

Try to stay in touch with your friends. Let them know that even if you can’t always go out, you still like to be invited to things. It’s important to have some fun and take your mind off things sometimes.

Be as open as you can with your friends. If you don’t feel like telling the same story a hundred times, you could just keep everyone updated on what’s going on with your Mum or Dad through Facebook or MySpace or group emails or texts.

Making new friends

So many other people say that the best kind of support comes from meeting and talking to other young people who have ‘been there and done that’ and really know what it’s like.

There are support groups out there – like CanTeen – that bring together people your age who all have a parent with cancer, or who has died from cancer.

It can really help to connect with people who are going through the same thing and having similar feelings to yours. You can compare battle scars and give each other tips, or just hang out and have a break from it all.

It can be a big relief to realise you are not the only young person who has a parent with cancer – and to hear how other people deal. CanTeen organises free camps and day activities that you can go on to get support and just have fun.

You can also read real-life stories from other young people, share your own, or chat to ‘experts’ on websites like www.nowwhat.org.au or www.youngcarers.net.au.