Some things don't change

• Having cancer in your family won’t make this go away. It’s not like somebody waves a magic wand and says “now that cancer is here you will all love each other deeply and never fight”.

• But your relationship will change. You may take it a little easier on each other. You may stop arguing about small stuff like clothes and privacy. But you are probably still going to argue about some things. And there is something really healthy about this (still arguing).

Most people are busy being super nice, and super generous and super sympathetic to your brother or sister with cancer. Arguing with them can bring them back to earth and make things a bit more normal.

Factors affecting your relationship

• The age of your brother or sister who has cancer will have a big impact on how you deal with it.

• If they are much younger than you, you may become very protective of them and you may get their behaviour a bit more, but if they are older than you, feeling shut out and jealous may be more of an issue.

• How you got on before the cancer will also have an effect on how you get on now.

Your other siblings

• If you are the oldest in the family you may take on some extra responsibilities – for some of you this may be fine but others may find it a big hassle.

• Younger brothers and sisters may also not like the fact that you are being the parent. You know how it goes: “You’re not mum/dad! Stop telling me what to do!”

• But the other side to this is that sometimes it really does bring you closer together. It puts you on the same team and you’ll learn stuff about each other that you didn’t know before.

• Believe it or not, your other brothers and sisters do understand what you are going through because they’re going through it as well.

Long hospital stays

• These can also impact your relationship with your sibling who has cancer. Not only are they not around, but you might feel like you can’t share things and don’t have many things in common anymore, like school or just normal day to day stuff.

• Even if you fought a lot and annoyed each other, you might be surprised at how much you miss them.

• Along with this you might become the link between them and their friends. As with all sorts of other things, for some of you this role is okay as it is one way that you can feel involved. But for others it is just one more thing that you have to do and you won't like it.

Negotiating a new relationship

You will need to set new ground rules for pretty much everything. It is best to have these negotiations when no-one is angry or tired or pretty much ready to snap. Timing is pretty important.

Before you start, remember that:

• We all react to difficult situations and change differently.

• We all express our fears and pain in different ways.

For my sibling- when your brother or sister has cancer

Below is a tear off card you can download and print to give to your sibling who has cancer to let them know what it’s like for you and to share your feelings.