It’s the sort of thing that you often think happens to people in sad books or movies, but not to people you know. And definitely not to people in your own family. You’re not expected to know what to do.

Denial can be OK

You might feel that you don’t really want to know the raw truth about your sibling’s illness. Some people find that shutting it out and staying positive works best for them. What you don’t know can’t hurt you, right? This is your way of coping with something that’s too horrible to think about and that’s OK.

Denial can give you some time to adjust to something really distressing until you’re ready. But denial can be tricky. It can also get in the way of you expressing some of the other things you might be feeling - like fear - and getting the support you might need.

Acceptance is OK too

If the treatment given to your sibling to try to reduce or control their cancer doesn’t work and there are limited treatment options left to try, the doctors may say that it’s no longer “curable”. This means that your sibling will not get better and it’s likely they will die from the cancer at some point.

“No way! I don’t believe you!” Even if you suspected deep down that things weren’t looking good, you probably didn’t expect this. Your sibling may have already shown a lot of strength. They might have been really unwell in stages before, but they always bounced back.

It might be extremely difficult to accept that they don’t have any bounce-backs left. Accepting that the treatments are not working does not mean there is nothing else you can do or that you are ready for your sibling to die.

Palliative care is not giving up

The doctors might say your family should consider your sibling starting “palliative care”. Huh? Is that like a cancer ward or something?

Most people have never heard of palliative care until someone they know needs it. It refers to the special kind of care and support provided to someone who has an illness that can’t be cured.

The focus of treatment so far has been on fighting the cancer. With palliative care, the focus will shift towards relieving your sibling’s symptoms so they can feel as happy and comfortable as possible.

It is about helping them (and your family) make the most of the life they have left, however long that is. Don’t count the days, they say, make the days count.

Hang onto hope

Hope is the belief that a positive result lies ahead. It can give you the courage to ‘just keep swimming’ in the face of bad news and disappointments.

Hope is flexible. As it becomes obvious that something you were hopeful for – like your sibling getting better – is probably not going to happen, you can shift your hope to other things. You might hope that your sibling will make it to Christmas, or that you will get to go away as a family, or that you will be able to go to the school formal with your friends, despite what’s happening.

Hope and denial are different. Denial means avoiding the truth. Hope is about finding something realistic in the future to look forward to. If you want to, hang onto hope. No one can take it away.