• It is ok if you don’t know what to say.

• You don’t need the answers and you don’t need to give advice.

• There are some things you should avoid saying - check out the bottom of the page.

Talking to a friend for the first time after you’ve found out their family member has died from cancer can seem REALLY scary. Here’s some info that will help you out. But before we get started, a community service announcement:

Remember - They’re still the same old friend you’ve always known!!!

You’re probably wondering what you can say to help them feel better, or at least not make them feel worse. Unfortunately there is no clear-cut answer.

There’s no ‘right thing’ to say or do. Each individual experiences grief in a different way, you may not feel like you have the right skills to be able to help them, but your willingness to be there for them is the most important thing.

Tips for Talking to Your Friend

First of all you actually have to make the decision to do it! For some of you this will be easy for others not so easy. Put aside all your fears because you know what, it’s not going to be as bad as you think. You may or may not feel awkward at first, if you do, it won’t last long.

• ­Try to understand at least a little about the grief your friend will be going through. Everyone grieves in different ways, but being aware of what they might be experiencing will help.

• There’s no use ignoring it. The first time you talk to your friend after you’ve found out about their family member’s death, you’re going to have to talk about it (at least for a little bit). They might not yet be ready to talk about it in depth, but you need to acknowledge it and show them that you’re here to support them.

• Follow your friend’s lead. If they want to talk to you about their family member and their death, then talk about it (as much as you can). If they want to talk about other things and have a bit of a laugh, then join in!

• Sometimes, you won’t even have to talk, you can just listen. Being there for your friend can sometimes simply mean listening. You don’t need the answers. You don’t need wise words that will make everything better. Listen to what they have to say, like really listen! Letting them have that release of emotions could be just the thing they need.

• Some conversations with your friend are going to be heavier than you’re used to; some are going to be exactly the same as they used to be. Your conversations may be accompanied by tears, laughter, yelling (not at each other, just yelling), and hugs. It’s all healthy!

Things to Say

• “I care about you and I’m here for you”.

• “Do you want to talk about anything in particular?” Give them the chance to set the terms of the conversation. If they don’t want to talk, don’t push them. 

• “Call me whenever you need to talk”.

Things not to Say

• ­“I know/understand exactly how you feel”. Unless you’ve had a parent, brother or sister die from cancer or a life threatening illness you probably don’t.

• “They’re in a better place now; they don’t have to suffer anymore”. It’s not up to you to decide.

• ­“Well at least you had them for….(insert appropriate number)…years”.

• ­“Remember, its God’s will”. You can not assume that everyone believes in God or that this will be a comforting notion.

• ­“You need to talk”.

• ­“I know what you should do…..”

Cancer messing with your friends life?

Cancer messing with your friends life is a postcard for friends of young people living with cancer. It includes practical tips about what you can do to support your friend and stay connected through their cancer experience.

Download your free copy of the postcard at the bottom of this page.