What actually happens in the final stages will depend on many factors but there are certain things that are common features during this stage (often called the terminal or palliative phase).

• There is a physical process when someone dies

• Knowing the signs can take make it a bit less scary for you

• You may not have another chance to say or do the things you want to

It is very difficult to put a time frame on how long it takes for a person to die.

However there is a process to dying and when someone has an incurable cancer it is unlikely that they will die suddenly without any warning.

• Knowing this and having some time to prepare for it may take some of the fear away – although not the sadness and all the other emotions that are going to be swimming around your head.

• Talking to those people who you trust is important. The right information can stop you from worrying about stuff that you don’t need to be worried or scared about.

Will they be in pain?

• After seeing your parent or brother or sister in a lot of pain you may really worry that this stage is also going to be painful for them.

• Palliative care is aimed at making this time as pain free as possible for them.

• While many of the physical changes that take place when someone is dying may look like they are causing pain, often they are not.

• Understanding these physical changes can be very helpful.

Will they still receive medical treatment?

• Maybe. Your parent or brother or sister may still be receiving radiotherapy or chemo during this terminal phase as well as other medication.

• It is important to understand that this is only for symptom management and will not change the fact that the cancer is incurable.

If they are staying at home

• If your parent or brother or sister are at home there may be lots of different people coming to the house – community nurses, palliative care team, your GP, family and friends.

• They may have to move out of their bedroom, so they may be sleeping in another part of the house and they could be on a hospital bed.

• There may be things like commode chairs (bedpans on wheels), shower chairs and oxygen cylinders around.

• There may be activity 24 hours a day as the nursing and medical care at this time can still be very intense.

If they are at a hospital or hospice

• If your parent or brother or sister is in hospital everyday life will also be disrupted. 

• Much time will revolve around being at the hospital and many of the normal things that you do will get put on hold.

• The difference is that there will nurses on call 24 hours a day and they will do a lot of the caring for them.

How will I know when death is very close?

• If they are spending more and more time asleep it is usually a pretty good sign that the dying process is coming to an end.

• They may have very alert moments and then drift off again.

• At this stage they won’t be moving very much.

• Their breathing will also slow right down and there may be quite long gaps between each breath.

• They may seem like they have “shut out” the world.

How will I know that they have died?

• Their breathing stops

• There is no heartbeat

• They do not have any responses

• Their eyes are fixed and no longer move. They will just have a blank look but their eyes may still be open.

• Their mouth may fall open a little.

• They will stay warm for a few hours although their hands and feet will be cold.

• The colour of their skin will become very pale.

• Sometimes they may look like they are still breathing – this can be quite scary. It is simply your eyes playing tricks because you are so used to them breathing.

Remember: Do what you feel comfortable with but know that you may not get another chance to do or say the things you want.

Don’t be afraid to ask for some support if there is something that you want to do but are really scared to do it.