The pain and stress that knowing that someone you love is going to die cannot be taken away. But if you know a little bit about what to expect when it actually happens you might be a bit less freaked when it does.

You may be really worried that death will be painful for your parent. But the time before death is usually peaceful. The body slowly winds down as it starts to ‘let go’ of life.

There are some signs that death is near, although it is impossible to know the exact moment that death will occur. Sometimes these changes start weeks before death, sometimes days, sometimes hours. Each person’s experience is unique.

Check with the medical and nursing staff if you are unsure or worried about any changes you notice in your parent.  

Weak and lacking energy

Your parent may spend a lot of time sleeping and be hard to wake up. It’s best to let them sleep and talk to them when they seem most alert.

Less appetite and thirst

As your Mum or Dad gets weaker, they may have trouble swallowing or digesting food. Small sips of water or ice to suck might help.

Temperature changes

Sometimes they may feel cool, other times hot and clammy. This is because their blood circulation is slowing down.  

Incontinence

This is when they lose control over their bladder and bowel. The palliative nurses will advise you how to help.

Breathing changes

Their breathing may be noisy as fluid collects in their breathing passages. This can sound like gurgling or rattling sounds. They may also breathe really fast one minute and really slowly the next and they may stop breathing for a few seconds. These breathing changes are usually not distressing for the patient, although you may find it frightening. It can help to raise the head of the bed with pillows.

Hearing

Even if your Mum or Dad doesn’t respond when you are talking, they can probably hear you. They may find it really comforting to know you are there.

Changes in mood and behaviour

As your parent nears the end of life, they may experience a lot of different emotions that may change very quickly. They might seem to become withdrawn, talking less and losing interest in things around them. Sometimes it might seem like they don’t recognise you. This can be really upsetting, but it’s a natural process of gradually withdrawing from the world. Sometimes they might be angry or irritable. You may not have done anything wrong and just being there and listening can be supportive.

In general, people don’t see a white light at the end of a tunnel, as you may have heard. But as your parent gradually loses consciousness they may see some hallucinations, like dreams. A lot of people believe that these last images are pleasant and offer comfort to the person who is dying.

Whether your parent is at home or in hospital or a hospice at this time, there will be huge changes to your life. It may feel real life is suspended and you are living in a completely different world.

Try to talk with your family about whether you want to be woken up or taken out of school when death is approaching. If you do want to be there, make an agreement with your family that they will let you know what is happening as soon as they know. It’s OK if you don’t want to be there, there will be plenty of ways you can still say goodbye.