Like you, it’s likely they are feeling all kinds of things that can change from day to day. They might be feeling lonely, angry or desperately sad. They may be shocked or in disbelief and very afraid. They may be worried about being a burden or about what will happen to your family after they die.

Your Mum or Dad might not be sure how to talk to you or be trying to protect you from upsetting information. You might also have lots of questions but don’t think you can bring them up.

It’s OK to figure this out together, and to be upset together. Just like you, your parent probably never expected this could happen to them and won’t always know the right things to say or do. They may not get it right all the time, but they are doing their best in a really difficult situation.

Try to be as open and honest as you can with your parent. This may not be easy, particularly if you have never gotten on that well and are not used to talking about your personal feelings.

But it’s never too late to try and tell them how you feel - and you will probably be glad you did in the future.

They are still them

It may be true that your parent’s illness is going to shorten their life. But they do not stop living until the last breath.

While they are still here, treat them as you always have. They are still your parent.

It’s OK to still argue with them sometimes. Or to joke around and talk about normal things. It can really help them to feel included in what’s going on and like they are still part of the world.

Talking about death

It can be really, really hard to talk about dying. You may have lots of questions, or you may not want to talk about it at all. Your parents might also find it difficult to talk about.

If you and your family can, it can be helpful to talk about things like where your parent would prefer to die, who they would like to be around them when it happens, funeral arrangements or things that might change after they die.

Talking about these things does not mean that you want your parent to die or that you have given up hope.

Your palliative care team can talk with you as a family (or individually) about these things if you like.

Your parent might actually be relieved that you brought the topic up. They might even feel comforted to know that you know the end is coming.

Follow their lead

Your parent might not always feel like talking. In the later stages of their illness, they might be tired, or trying to put on a brave face, or overwhelmed by feelings of sadness. Their illness or medication may have caused changes in their thinking or behaviour.

Everyone deals with stuff in different ways and your parent might cope by withdrawing from family activities, or becoming argumentative or demanding. Try not to take this personally. Just being with them and giving a hug or holding hands is enough, they will know how you feel.

If they feel like talking, listen. If they want to talk about dying, don’t correct them and say things like, “No, you’re not. Don’t talk like that”. It can be painfully hard to talk about, but it’s OK to be upset and afraid together. You could try, instead to say something like, “I know this hard. But it would help me to talk about this”.

There will be good days and bad days

There will be some days when your parent is too tired or sick to talk. They may become impatient or testy or seem withdrawn or distant. This might make you feel hurt, disappointed or worried.

If your parent is feeling too ill to spend time with you, this doesn’t mean that he or she doesn’t want to. There may be other ways you can show that you care – like writing notes or bringing them small gifts, or just sitting there. 

If your parent is in hospital, it’s OK to visit. It might be less scary if you ask a nurse or someone in your family beforehand how they are going and what you should expect.

Most young people find that even though it is really hard to see your Mum or Dad when they are weak and sick, you will value all the time you have spent with them later.