• Their breathing stops.
• They have no heartbeat.
• They don’t respond to anything.
• Their skin feels cold and looks pale.
• Their eyes stop moving and may stay open.
• Pupils of the eyes stay large, even in bright light.
• They might lose control of the bowels or bladder.

What do we have to do?

There is nothing that has to be done straight away. This is a very personal time to be with your sibling and say goodbye. Take as long as you need.

It’s your own individual choice to see, touch or talk to your sibling after they die. Do whatever you feel comfortable with.

But even with the best planning things can change when the actual moment arrives. If things don’t go exactly as you would have liked, there are plenty of other ways to say goodbye to your sibling.

If they die at home

The care team doctor will tell your family what you need to do. Usually, a doctor will have to come and sign a death certificate and give it to your family or a funeral director. If your sibling dies during the night, you can wait until morning before calling the appropriate people if you want.

You can keep their body at the funeral home, or possibly in your own home.

If they die in a hospital or hospice

You are welcome to stay with them for a while after they die. It may be possible to take their body home for one last visit. Or the funeral director may come to collect your sibling’s body from the hospital or hospice.

What happens now? The first few days…

No matter how long you have known this was going to happen, how much you have thought about it and how ready you think you are, nothing will ever prepare you for how you will feel when your brother or sister dies.

The first few days might feel strange. You might feel numb, just going through the motions, more empty than sad. This is your body’s normal reaction to shock.

You may not feel like you can really take in what has happened. It might feel like your sibling will just come back in the door any minute.

You might also feel relief. This is natural and very common, but it can be a confusing feeling. It doesn’t mean that you are relieved your sibling died, just that they are no longer in pain or suffering. You might also be relieved that your family can start to move forward through this difficult time.

The first few weeks…

There might be lots of people around and lots of things to do and you don’t really have much time to yourself to take in what has happened.

When things eventually settle down, it might feel eerily quiet and calm. For ages, everything might have been focused on hospitals, appointments, treatments and test results. Then suddenly, it’s all over. What are you supposed to do now? It can take a really long time for things to feel ‘normal’ again.

You don’t have to rush to pack away your siblings things. This can make it feel very final. You can leave things just the way they are until you feel ready.