Driving up was long and stressful. I’d been up painting the whole night before… so I was running on zero hours sleep… however I was partly glad that I was so tired because now I could just sleep in the car and block out all my thoughts.

"I was going to see my oncologist, for my 5 year checkup."

In the medical world this was the big one… this was the one that initiated me back into the realm of the medically normal… no more scans, MRI’s or regular blood tests; this was it!

I was excited, but at the same time I was nervous. Not that the cancer would come back, it’d been 5 years and I was confident by now that I’d beaten the dreaded disease. I was more nervous because cancer had become my identity in some ways… it was what I was known for, what people respected me for and what made me inspirational to some people…

"would all that just go away after today?"

Don’t get me wrong, I hate it when people made a big deal about my cancer, treat me differently or whatever, but by the same token I’d gotten used to it and embraced it. I was scared to lose that part of me and at the same time excited – but honestly I’d say more scared than excited.

Without cancer, what would be left of my identity? I have no defining achievements to put next to my name. I was scared that I would lose myself. Thankfully however, I didn’t have to think about it, thanks to my ingenious idea of forgoing sleep the previous night. 24 hours of not-so-alertness let my body black out in a realm of uncomfortable, but mindless sleep in the back seat for 3.5 out of the 4 hour journey.

"I had had another motive for staying up through the night"

and that was that I wanted to do something nice for my oncologist, who, now that I thought about it, really had saved my life. I absolutely love painting but I hadn’t found the time out of my busy college schedule to paint the whole year, so that night, I decided to do a painting for my doctor.

It was amazing and fun because for once there was no pressure or pre-conceived expectations about my work. I wasn’t doing it for a charity, I didn’t have to worry about what people would think about it, or whether people would pay good money for it. I was just painting, and hoping that the person I was giving it to would like the end result, but inevitably it didn’t matter.

Because of this, the painting is really the first painting I have ever been so happy and so proud of in all my life. And it was about 17 inches x 14 inches – I can’t believe I got all that done in one night!

"At the hospital it was nice to see a few familiar faces."

However most of my old nurses and doctors had moved on by this point and were no longer there which was sad but to be expected. As the years had gone by I had grown accustomed to knowing less and less people at the hospital each time I went to visit.

It felt almost juvenile to go through the usual weight, height and “have you been in contact with…?” pre-checkup routine. Then it was just the usual waiting game. Like a fool, I had left my bag, equipped with reading material and other entertainment, in the car. So I waited it out; annoying random friends by texting as I waited.

The wait was actually quite short (by hospital standards) as it only took an hour after the given “appointment” time. It actually kind of felt nice to be back in the familiar cancer waiting room.

"I know it sounds weird but I look back on all my cancer experiences pretty fondly nowadays."

Anyways, after an hour's wait, we were called in by my doctors latest registrar to get my history taken down again… I’ve always thought that this protocol was really stupid… I mean they have 5 years worth of documentation on me, and they still want my history every time!! 

Anyway the registrar was lovely and we actually had fun this time, joking around about all the old experiences. This hospital visit had a very different feel to all the other ones – this one felt like it would be the last one. I was so much more relaxed and at ease with everything, and that allowed me to enjoy the experience. It was like my way of saying goodbye, and I was savoring every moment (I know I’m demented).

"After about 15 minutes my old doc finally came in. I couldn’t help my smile."

I even laughed a little when I saw him. After all these years, all the grief my parents had put him through with treatment, all the questions, all the times I had hated him for making me sick with chemo and all the ‘precautions’ he took that made me despise him – after all that, we had finally gotten to this place and I was so thankful to him for saving my life.

It wasn’t a very medically orientated meeting. After one quick look over he said he was happy with me and that he only wanted me to have one more MRI in a year’s time and then he would be happy to discharge me as a patient and that would be it!

"The rest of the consultation was mainly about reminiscing."

He told me that my type of brain tumor had been a very rare one and only 4% of people presented with it, and he told me that my recovery was quite “miraculous” given the severity of my symptoms when first diagnosed. I couldn’t see, hear or walk and he said to have made such a full recovery was amazing.

We laughed around a bit more, I was feeling so happy and content by this point. And then finally as the meeting was coming to a close I gave him my painting.

"Having something to give to say thanks to him was really great."

And there you have it. One trip and I was no longer scared of what my life would be like without cancer in it. I have been dealing with this idea ever since I went into remission and this year especially I have been becoming stronger and more confident and thus less worried about what will happen. After my second last consultation with my doctor I no longer have any doubts.

Cancer was an amazing experience for me, and although it was one of the hardest things I have ever been through, it has enriched my life, made me a better person and given me a new perspective on life.

"I’ve always been thankful that I had cancer"

for these reasons and it was only in the darkest times of my life that I ever blamed my cancer or thought ‘why me?’. Now I feel amazing because I really got closure from my consultation. I had to go back to the old ward, and remember what it was like, and now I can walk away, thankful for the experience but with no regrets either.