It’s the perfect setting until I asked the question “Mum, why were you at the doctors yesterday and when you were in Woollies you started crying on the phone?”.

Being the curious girl I was I never thought twice about asking questions until my mum said “lets all go to my room” exchanging a look with my dad.

"All sitting on the bed my mum said “they found a lump”. "

She never said the word cancer out loud but I knew immediately. My Nan had died from breast cancer when I was two. 

I knew immediately that my mum was sick. I didn’t speak out loud, I ran to the dinner table putting everything quickly into my mouth. I felt too sick to actually eat but I had to do something. My parents followed me, my dad carrying my sister who is disabled. They too sat at the table and I heard my mum beginning to cry as I ran to my room.

"I lay on my bed, crying endlessly."

Tomorrow was Christmas. An 11 year old shouldn’t be getting told that their Christmas present is that their mum has been diagnosed with cancer. My mum came in and told me everything would be alright. She didn’t know that, she couldn’t promise me. I tossed and turned all night. I wasn’t thinking of Santa and his reindeer, I was thinking about losing my mum.

We all walked out to the Christmas tree, my parents with fake joy, my sister not understanding and me the mute. My sister opened all her presents, I opened two and still have no idea what they were.

We arrived at my grandparents’ house, all the family smiling and laughing, the other kids running around and sharing their toys. My sister joined in as I walked to a spare room and lay weeping on the bed. My aunty who had lost her mother to cancer a few years before came in and comforted me.

"My mum came in and we sat on the bed and cried and remembered and told stories and reminisced until we were all laughing."

We went back to the main room and whilst I still feel alone and no longer a child, I was content for the time being as I made a promise to live each day to it’s potential, live in the present and know I will never be alone.