My mother was only 44 at the time of her diagnosis and died suddenly at the age of 45. She was diagnosed with terminal cancer, which in essence means she had no chance of recovering.

Doctors didn’t think she wouldn’t physically exceed in life to the extent that she actually did.

"My mother was a fighter, a leader and a personal achiever"

and I am so proud of her for defeating society’s expectations. My mum faced her cancer, she accepted that it was inside her, consuming her, and she also accepted the fact that she would not survive it. The only thing my mum struggled with, was knowing that she would be leaving her children not so much behind, but she would be entering another place without us.

It was traumatic watching her deteriorate at such an alarming rate and knowing that I could not do anything to save her, but simply be with her, hold her hand and reassure her that not only was she going to be okay but she was going to a peaceful place. Letting her know that my brothers and myself would be okay without her was definitely the biggest struggle of all.

"I was not ready to let her go"

Nor should any child have to ever be ready to let their parents leave them. I remember holding my brother crying, expressing to him that I was not ready to let her go, I was not able to visualise a future without my mother by my side. His words were ‘If its not now, it will be later. Her suffering needs to end and we must be strong for her. Make sure she knows you love her’.

Those words were words of such pain and fear, but realistically he was right.

I was lucky enough to spend my mothers last healthy days with her, by her side. That time has enriched me with so many beautiful memories and precious hugs I know I will not get again for a very long time.

"I also know if I focus on the positive"

and hold those memories of the simplest beauty I will be alright. Yes, everyday I remember that my mother is not here, but if I replace those saddened thoughts with those memories and feelings of a love I will never be able to explain, then things seem to brighten up just that little bit more.

For everyone it is important to grieve, so I do allow my sadness to escape. But knowing that it will not overrun and consume my life is what‘s keeping me together.

I will not drown in my sorrows, but keep my head high above the water because I know one day I shall join her where ever it may be, but until then… I know I cannot change the past nor turn back time so I will be me. I will lead my life encountering many experiences fulfilling me with wisdom and magical stories, just as she would have wished for me.