My family had gone to Queensland for a holiday and I was staying at my mum’s brother’s house due to university and work commitments.

A few weeks earlier, my mum had been hospitalised, as she had been lethargic and weak and hadn’t been feeling 100%.

While in hospital, she had a blood transfusion and felt much better. I was told they were keeping her overnight for observation, but with everyone in good spirits and smiling, things seemed okay.

"Fast forward a few weeks"

and my family were back from their holiday, refreshed and relaxed, or so it seemed.

That weekend my parents called us all together. Straight away, alarm bells were going off. My mum had been diagnosed with lung, liver and bowel cancer, hence the blood transfusion. I should’ve been able to make the connection; I should’ve known better.

I ran into my bedroom and threw myself on the bed in a fit of tears. My mum followed me and sat on my bed in tears and drew me into her arms. I remember the softness of her chest and the warmth of her skin and her flannel nightie. She told me she needed me and that she wasn’t able to fight this thing alone.

Relatives came to visit us and let us know that they were here for us and we had to be strong. But regardless of what anyone said, nothing would make us feel better. My mum had inoperable cancer. There was a chance that we were going to lose her. I was heading into my last year of a law degree.

"With exams looming I was slowly losing my mind"

Initially the chemotherapy and radiation treatments were going well. Her spirits were up, and she was coping well with treatment, and seemed to be happy moving around with her chemotherapy pack bum bag. The weight dropped off, and she would always joke that cancer was allowing her to lose the weight she had always wanted to shed.

Throughout the process, people initially asked how I was coping. But as time went on, I didn’t show I was upset, and acted as my usual self, all confident and surging ahead with my studies. My own boyfriend didn’t know how I was feeling or what was happening because he never asked. I suffered in silence. I lashed out in anger at those who didn’t deserve it.

"I focused on my studies"

and graduate applications to try and block out the fact my life was slowly falling apart.

Things got worse. Mum’s diabetes and blood pressure started playing up. She was hospitalised due to her blood sugar being so low she couldn’t move and was delusional.

The cancer wasn’t shrinking at the rate the doctor expected either and treatment became more aggressive. From that stage, things went downhill without any return. She knew she would always be affected by the cancer. It would always haunt her, and be within her body.
Her spirit started dying at this point. It was so hard watching her resign herself, and know that she was fighting a losing battle. The weight and hair kept dropping off. She stopped eating. The nausea increased. I was torn. Everything was happening at once. Too many people were talking.

I was under constant stress and I was losing the most important person in my life. My dad didn’t know what to do anymore. He talked to my grandfather, aunties and friends to try and get them to talk to my mum and make her see she had so much to fight for. But she was tired. She gave up. It was too much for her and she had been through enough.

"Then my nightmare came true"

As I was getting into the shower on a fateful Wednesday morning, my dad called in hysterics and told me that the cancer had spread everywhere and we were losing her. I screamed, cried and collapsed. Within 20 minutes I was speeding off to the hospital. My brother had been alerted and my sister had been picked up from school.

When I got to the room, my mum was asleep. Due to the pain she was on high doses of morphine and slipping in and out of consciousness. She stayed like that for the rest of her time alive. We told her that we loved her over and over, and she only responded in the faintest of ways, her eyes flicking open or a soft moan.

She was never alone. Visitors poured in, including her best friend who had flown down from Queensland. That Sunday, her breathing got worse and we were told that it was likely she wouldn’t see it through the night.

Around 8pm at night, she opened her eyes and smiled, and then she left us. She was surrounded by her family. I had lost the most important and significant person that I loved the most. She was the person that shaped me into becoming the person I am today. Her death has created such a massive loss in my life. She isn’t there when I get home every night, and the aroma of her cooking no longer fills the air.

I miss her humour and voice and the warmth of her body.

"my life hasn't been the same and it never will be again"

She’s irreplaceable and regardless of what any one says to me, I can never make that hole in my life repair itself. There are times where I feel alone, angry and isolated from the world. Nobody that hasn’t been in this situation knows what its like. People don’t know what to say or do around you.

This is probably why I slipped into depression. I had experienced a massive loss and my world fell to pieces. Yet for everyone else, my grief was a big white elephant in the room that no one wanted to deal with.

The lesson from my story is

"if you or someone you know his being affected by cancer, don't let them do it alone"

Just one shoulder to lean on makes such a difference. Ask them if there is anything they need or what you can do to help. Be available when you see them in need, even if they don’t ask for help. The best friends are the ones who provide, even when the person in need doesn't know they need help.

Dealing with cancer is too big for one person, so be the person who lightens the load.